Personal reflection:

Contentment is a very difficult subject. How are you supposed to feel content in a world such as this? Are you content? How have you become so? In a world where you can be a success and be a failure, it's so easy to dwell on those failures. We know we shouldn't, but some dreams are harder to let go than others.

In the Bible, 1 Timothy 6:6, it is said that there is great gain with contentment, we have brought nothing into this world and we can take nothing out of this world, that's obvious. We mustn't fall into temptation and be roped into senseless desires of this world, that will only bring us to ruin and destruction.

It's easy to say, but hard to put into practice. What am I dreaming for, what is my real purpose for the goals that I have? Is it simply for personal gain? Do I want the stature and the reputation that comes with my dreams? Am I really doing what I do for the good of others? No. No. Yes. Should I just settle down and be content? I thought I made the decision a while ago, yet with one e-mail and one phone call, the dreams come back, the lure of my life's first intention.

I ran into a friend the other day who made my dreams of success true in his life. He started on his path after I did yet he has progressed farther than I have. Is the grass always greener on the other side? Maybe not, but I still dream.

I missed an opportunity to find out if I could reinitiate this dream tonight, it may have been my fault for not being more persistent, it may not have been my fault because I was supposed to receive a message and didn't. No matter what the cause was, I started dwelling on this topic and on the connected lesson I am writing for other men as well as myself for the near future.

My questions and reflections are for why I have this dream, why do I need it so much that it rules over my life? Can I be content? I've succeeded in many other things, acquired degrees is in many other subjects, why does this dream continue to depress me when I continually realize I have not yet succeeded. Will it ever end? Can it ever end? What will it take? I have asked my Lord God to answer those questions and to help me put aside my great need for this path. Maybe it's only because I, myself, have not yet become strong enough to give up this dream on my own. I'm going to think about these things throughout this week and you can comment if you like, I have a strange sense of contentment right now at this moment, but I know it won't last. It may not be God's path for me, I'll have to accept that, but when do I accept that? And then, will this haunt me for the rest of my life? It's a heavy burden and one at times I feel I cannot bear. I will bear it though, although I wish I didn't have to.